Thursday, July 02, 2009

Shaken Not Stirred

I feel like a snow globe, blizzardy mixed up.
I wonder if so much of me should be hanging out here, or should I zip the fly and hide a bit? I've been extremely candid over the last three years and I find there are things here that I really don't want the world to see or know. It was ok when it was just us, you know. But then all those fly byers came and went here and there and now I'm getting random emails about advertising - who the heck knows why, my traffic (which I haven't looked at in at least a year) can't be that high - and it worries me. Worries me that so many unknowns have access to so many intimate details.

But I want to stay true. I find myself editing out touchier parts a lot now a days for several valid reasons. One of which is the desire to leave the whiny me behind. Oh I will always need to whine a bit, but you know, now that things are smoothing out in my world, I can see that I have been quite the whiner. Thanks for the support by the way. Another is this intense desire for privacy all of a sudden. I think this was partly influenced by reading The Traveler which sort of freaked me out about how much people can know about you. And there is my kids. My son is getting old enough to be poking around the nets and you know, things here have been said that might better be left out of his knowledge base.

I have been feeling in and out, up and down, hot and cool about my hubby lately. Nothing bad or serious. Just marriage I think. In August (the 5th to be precise) we will have been together 7 years. I suppose this explains some of the irritation we've been struggling with of late. We're too used to each other. I feel so overlooked sometimes. He has started doing the 'uh huh' thing. You know, when someone knows you well enough to sort of half listen and know the basics of what you say so they just 'uh huh' you? I don't want to be uh huh'd.
Money. Number one cause of stress in relationships. Yeah we feel it. We're in a loop right now and it sucks. It seems like every time we turn around something big breaks and we have to fix it which means our debt is not going down at all. That is such a discouraging thing to see. But it would not be prudent to neglect the brakes on the van or the computers which link us both to our jobs. So we stress. And we talk, we argue sometimes but in the end mostly we talk.

In the mix of this Me cocktail, there is a feeling of meeting. My horizon is finding my road and I am quickening on that trail. I feel it. Things are changing. I'm getting closer to some goals of mine that are dear to me. As my time expands beyond constant watcher, I am delving deeper into my pursuits. And my curiosity and thirst for knowledge is increasing. I used to write mainly the things in my head, fiction for fiction's sake. But I find myself quite enraptured with research of late. General writing research and more specific subjects. I'm forming some long term goals in my head beyond just to write. I can see some projects I'd like to pursue writing about. That's an exciting feeling.

So here I am shaken but not stirred.

The great thing is that I have changed emotionally. I feel that too. I am so unruffled of late. I may be shaken but I'm not freaked out about it. My mood has remained cool in the shade, taking time to sit under palm trees on hot beaches of mental landscapes while thinking things through. Time to think things through has such a profound effect on reaction.

So if you see a lady in a big bubble full of floating fake snow, just rolling along with a contented smile on her face, that's me. Shaken, but not stirred.

9 comments:

Gordo said...

I wish more people in power would read The Traveler if it can have that effect. It needs to be stopped.

Thank you for being here, Maggie. You've always got something interesting to say and if I hadn't been coming by I wouldn't have tried baked asparagus (YUM!).

de said...

What does one do to a DIY hot dog? What is with buns lately? They're all falling apart at the seam.

I'm in a major denial phase right now. Let's call it "summer vacation" and just roll along merrily like a monster truck over the junked bodies of so many problems.

Maggie said...

Gordo, thanks for the encouragement and about the asparagus - ooooooh nothing better!

De, DIY is one of our favorite ways to eat. Basically it just means buffet style sort of. We do this with baked potatoes too. Wherein each person gets his main part of the meal: hot dog in bun or potato, and then adds from the selection on the table to dress it. For hot dogs I put out sauteed onions, fresh onions, thin slices of cheese to slide in next to the dog, chili (of course), shredded cheese for the chili, saurkraut, and sometimes I'll even put out fresh cut tomatoes and avocadoes for the weirdies like me. Baked potatoes get a little different but I think you get the picture. I like these meals because the kids think its fun so I'm more likely to have them eating a full plate on these nights.

meno said...

I have gone back through my archives and changed the status of particularly charged posts to 'draft'. That way i still have them, but they are no longer out there for all to see.

Marriage is hard sometimes. I know what you mean. I think we should make a plan to meet in New York in August after i dump my kid off in Ohio. Just a thought.

Love you!

jaded said...

Yup. Firmly seated at the cross roads of uh huh, and when did you say that.

Dick said...

It sounds like you are evolving but just remember the things that are really important. Family, relationships, mochas, etc.

I recently bought a Sony eBook Reader and have been having fun buying and downloading free books online. Have you ever thought about publishing some of your work as eBooks? It sure cuts the cost of publishing down. And it saves trees.

D-Man said...

What a great image.

Shawna said...

I don't get the uh huh, my husbands gives me "what a trip" when he doesn't really care what I am saying. Not so much anymore because I started calling him out on it, and then doing it back to him. He says don’t “what a trip” me!

We have been together 11 years, married 9 so we have had our share of hot/cold times.

Maggie said...

Meno, working on NY. I could get there. Now to find an affordable place to stay. If you were serious. I might need it. I've been warned we're heading into a killer year for work - big project requested by owner of the whole corp. Happy for hubby, but leery of what it will mean.

Jaded, oh the when did you say that. After mentioning something more than once - arggg. Or, better yet, just minutes before.

Dick, mochas. I like your priorities.

D-Man, now I think about it, its rather comical, me floating in a rolling ball with fake snow and glitter flying around me. Could be fun.

Shawna, turning the tables, an excellent strategy. Maybe I will try this.