I feel like a snow globe, blizzardy mixed up.
I wonder if so much of me should be hanging out here, or should I zip the fly and hide a bit? I've been extremely candid over the last three years and I find there are things here that I really don't want the world to see or know. It was ok when it was just us, you know. But then all those fly byers came and went here and there and now I'm getting random emails about advertising - who the heck knows why, my traffic (which I haven't looked at in at least a year) can't be that high - and it worries me. Worries me that so many unknowns have access to so many intimate details.
But I want to stay true. I find myself editing out touchier parts a lot now a days for several valid reasons. One of which is the desire to leave the whiny me behind. Oh I will always need to whine a bit, but you know, now that things are smoothing out in my world, I can see that I have been quite the whiner. Thanks for the support by the way. Another is this intense desire for privacy all of a sudden. I think this was partly influenced by reading The Traveler which sort of freaked me out about how much people can know about you. And there is my kids. My son is getting old enough to be poking around the nets and you know, things here have been said that might better be left out of his knowledge base.
I have been feeling in and out, up and down, hot and cool about my hubby lately. Nothing bad or serious. Just marriage I think. In August (the 5th to be precise) we will have been together 7 years. I suppose this explains some of the irritation we've been struggling with of late. We're too used to each other. I feel so overlooked sometimes. He has started doing the 'uh huh' thing. You know, when someone knows you well enough to sort of half listen and know the basics of what you say so they just 'uh huh' you? I don't want to be uh huh'd.
Money. Number one cause of stress in relationships. Yeah we feel it. We're in a loop right now and it sucks. It seems like every time we turn around something big breaks and we have to fix it which means our debt is not going down at all. That is such a discouraging thing to see. But it would not be prudent to neglect the brakes on the van or the computers which link us both to our jobs. So we stress. And we talk, we argue sometimes but in the end mostly we talk.
In the mix of this Me cocktail, there is a feeling of meeting. My horizon is finding my road and I am quickening on that trail. I feel it. Things are changing. I'm getting closer to some goals of mine that are dear to me. As my time expands beyond constant watcher, I am delving deeper into my pursuits. And my curiosity and thirst for knowledge is increasing. I used to write mainly the things in my head, fiction for fiction's sake. But I find myself quite enraptured with research of late. General writing research and more specific subjects. I'm forming some long term goals in my head beyond just to write. I can see some projects I'd like to pursue writing about. That's an exciting feeling.
So here I am shaken but not stirred.
The great thing is that I have changed emotionally. I feel that too. I am so unruffled of late. I may be shaken but I'm not freaked out about it. My mood has remained cool in the shade, taking time to sit under palm trees on hot beaches of mental landscapes while thinking things through. Time to think things through has such a profound effect on reaction.
So if you see a lady in a big bubble full of floating fake snow, just rolling along with a contented smile on her face, that's me. Shaken, but not stirred.