In my time hiding in my head I've found a lot of interesting relics floating around. Some become stories, others become keys to my story.
Before now, I've spent a lot of time figuring me out, routing a depressive state, establishing my footing as a mother and finding my delights. When I came to that road, I noticed there were straggling bits of me on the shoulders. Things like the absence of animals makes me just a little bit nutty, or knowing that my love of food borders on addiction. Not addiction for eating though, addiction for flavor. I just want one more bite of that spaghetti that turned out absolutely perfect this time. But this last bit I found, looms a bit more significant.
Let me start by giving you some back story. (Note, if this were a novel, I'd be showing not telling. But this is more memoir, so minus the lying that seems to be the mode of the day, I'll just tell what I need to say). In fact, I'll be short, two sentences short. I was raised religious believing in eternal life after death. I am now an atheist.
These two facts have largely been easy to reconcile given my disgust with organized religion and belief in science. However, I fixate on the fact that I will go away and cease to exist. It bugs me. I want it differently. Like any petulant child, I want my cake and eat it too. I want to remain in some form to watch my grandchildren, their children and all the subsequent children and family that stem from my children. I want to watch the world go on and see what happens.
Intellectually, I can grasp the idea of non-existence. I can accept it. But emotionally, no way. My heart clings like a desperate fish fighting the current to stay in the river. I just don't want to be swept out to sea. So I find myself on a journey of sorts, seeking answers.
To that end, I recently listened to an interview of Harold S. Kushner about his book Conquering Fear. And I was intrigued. So I'm planning to read his book. And hopefully others to help myself again find footing where the empty space gives way to a chasm in my road.
Here I am, an atheist seeking answers for life after death. Paradox I.