Monday, May 05, 2014

What .336986301 Means to Me

Somewhere in the Middle Year Resolutions.

It has come to my attention that I have certain egregious issues which need addressing. I will now do that. I have decided to make half year resolutions to eradicate these problems from my life. Given the fact that this is not June and therefore not the half year mark, this would technically really be the .41666667 resolutions. Actually, according to the precise date of this post, which is May 3rd, this would be the .336986301 mark. Man, when you think about it, that's a big difference, which makes sense since months are whole chunks of 30 or 31 days, sometimes 28 but who really cares about February, I mean honestly it can't even make up its mind. It's 28 this year, it's 29, it's 28, come on.


These are my .336986301 Year resolutions:

1. Stop rambling. Does this really require explanation? In fact, if I did give explanation that would just lead to rambling and then I'd have broken my first .336986301 resolution right away.

2. Use fewer adverbs. Stephen King abhors adverbs and I tend to agree with him. Whole-heartedly.

3. Drink more coffee.

4. Here's the most important one. Never, ever, ever read comments under news articles on the internet again. Ever. They are the car crash on the side of the road, drawing my gaze, sucking me toward their vortex of horror. I look, I peer deeper and I argue with my screen about the sheer lack of brain weight behind each one. I even try to philosophize rationally, but hey, rational went out the door when I decided to even read the comments of the perennially inflammatory. Internet news articles need serious doses of internet antibiotics.

5. Damn I seriously need to work on this adverb thing.

6. And maybe, you know, write another book.