Monday, May 05, 2014

What .336986301 Means to Me

Somewhere in the Middle Year Resolutions.

It has come to my attention that I have certain egregious issues which need addressing. I will now do that. I have decided to make half year resolutions to eradicate these problems from my life. Given the fact that this is not June and therefore not the half year mark, this would technically really be the .41666667 resolutions. Actually, according to the precise date of this post, which is May 3rd, this would be the .336986301 mark. Man, when you think about it, that's a big difference, which makes sense since months are whole chunks of 30 or 31 days, sometimes 28 but who really cares about February, I mean honestly it can't even make up its mind. It's 28 this year, it's 29, it's 28, come on.


These are my .336986301 Year resolutions:

1. Stop rambling. Does this really require explanation? In fact, if I did give explanation that would just lead to rambling and then I'd have broken my first .336986301 resolution right away.

2. Use fewer adverbs. Stephen King abhors adverbs and I tend to agree with him. Whole-heartedly.

3. Drink more coffee.

4. Here's the most important one. Never, ever, ever read comments under news articles on the internet again. Ever. They are the car crash on the side of the road, drawing my gaze, sucking me toward their vortex of horror. I look, I peer deeper and I argue with my screen about the sheer lack of brain weight behind each one. I even try to philosophize rationally, but hey, rational went out the door when I decided to even read the comments of the perennially inflammatory. Internet news articles need serious doses of internet antibiotics.

5. Damn I seriously need to work on this adverb thing.

6. And maybe, you know, write another book.


mischief said...

I am a high school teacher, poised on the brink of perpetual strike. It is exhausting, it is demoralizing. And the thing that makes it worse is reading the comments after the internet news articles about teachers preparing to strike. The articles themselves are rather discouraging too, but the comments section… oh god. Who are these people? Who writes these horrible hateful ridiculous comments? Who, seriously? Can the possibly represent real people's real thoughts?

Then I walk around in the grocery store wondering which of the people pinching melons and stealing grapes might have written those things. Which of these seemingly normal, sane humans could it be? Did I accidentally smile at one of them?

Good advice for Cinco de Mayo.

Lynnea said...

Mischief, first I have to say hats off to you, being a teacher has got to be one of the MOST difficult jobs, not to mention MOST important. Second, I think internet commenters of that ilk are one of two things, they are either fewer than we think and most likely teenage kids with no sense of reality, or they are like the people behind the wheels of their cars - they turn into nasty monsters. Maybe there is something toxic about steering wheels and keyboards.

mischief said...

Interesting theory. I have trouble imagining any of the teenagers I teach reading internet articles and commenting obnoxiously. Not because they aren't immature like that (some of them really are!) but because most of them strike me as too lazy to bother. Is it possible that newspapers hire writer-thugs to stir up angst by writing hateful things? I definitely see the road-rage in those comments. Surely they must the same people who honk and shoot birds in morning traffic. Must be tiring being so angry all the time.